One of the subjects that I have recently become interested while attending Southern Seminary is that of infertility.  Recently, a godly woman whose husband works at the Seminary shared her testimony as an infertile woman.  What she said was very beneficial to anyone in ministry.  We talked for over an hour, and unfortunately the richness of that could not be put in one blog.  So here are some key highlights – take note pastors, counselors and the ministry minded – and keep in mind that 1 in 6 couples experience infertility!  Please keep in mind that the husband and wife experience and express their grief in many different ways (more on that in days to come).  This blog specifically addresses “WHAT NOT TO SAY” to a couple experiencing infertility.

 ”Have you thought of adoption?” – the question seems simple, and hopeful, yet for those in the midst of the grief associated with infertility it is a slap in the face.  ‘of course we have considered adoption’ is the usual thoughtful response (though hardly anyone would voice it).  It is a generic, impersonal question often given to fill the silence.  Please don’t assume you are shedding light on the issue by suggesting an obvious alternative (that is what it seems like).

“Oh! You & your husband are DINK’s” – This was said to the couple after a brief encounter with someone they just met.  DINK’s – Double Income No Kids.  The truth of the matter is the couple you may be talking to may be trying very hard to have children.

“At least you have fun trying” – This is not true of any couple who are trying to have children and have been diagnosed as infertile.

“The Lord has deemed me worthy” – This was said by a pregnant woman to this couple, seemingly indicating that pregnancy is granted to those who are worthy of God’s blessing. 

“Mothers Day” – Be careful and sensitive on days like Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.  Often times many infertile couples won’t even attend church on those days because all of the mother’s stand up or get a rose.  While those who are trying to have children and are unable to receive nothing but painful reminders.

 Don’t shun those who are infertile.  Often times many people run away from them, as if they have a contagious disease.  It’s not a disease but a trial. 

Be encouraging – which sometimes means KEEPING YOUR MOUTH SHUT & YOUR EARS OPEN.  Don’t be afraid to dive into the couple’s lives, being honest about not always knowing what to say.  Be sensitive to their needs and hurts.  And be ready for the long hall! It will often be a life long – at least multi-year experience.