Someone once said “You live out your theology”. While this may be encouraging to some, to me it has been a sentence of frustration. I know it is true, yet what I see in my actions discourages me to no end. I think mostly of my work place. My God given job is to help others, to keep people clean, to assist them in everyday tasks that need to be done to live – at least comfortably. My job is to help out others that I work with, my title is technically “Patient Care Associate” – but everywhere else in the country entitles the job “Certified Nursing Assistant“. It is my job to help out the patients AND the nurses. I work with a group of unsaved individuals who seem to have nothing better to do than to gossip about the floor managers, complain about their lack of pay, announce bitter and annoyed thoughts towards the patients (the ones we have come to help!).
I have heard countless times from non-believers that the reason they want to be a nurse is to “help people” – I often hear them say “I enjoy helping others”. From what I have seen in this work force, that is not the case. One nurse simply said “Yeah, and the fact you make twenty plus an hour has nothing to do with it”. No one would do this job for free, or less pay. For me, there seemed to be a type of romance involved in being a nurse. Many have fantasies about being taken care of by a dark and handsome doctor than falls madly in love with you the moment you see them. Then Reality hits – most doctors are foreign, middle aged, and have minimal contact with the patients. As for nurses, we hope to fall in love with a dark handsome patient who is very thankful for the great care we give them, as they look marvelously great in their uniform (there was an awe and romance about nurses who served during the war).
What does all this mean? What was previously mentioned could serve as an excuse as to my current attitude about my job. A “standoffish – I want to blend in – don’t make me stand out” attitude. It even goes deeper than that! Let’s call sin what it is: sin. My attitude at work has been dishonoring to the Lord. I have an attitude that is not helpful to others, an impatience towards patients (except the ones that give me some sort of a reason to be nice to them – they are either nice to me, or they don’t bother me). My attitude doesn’t honor or respect the authority placed over me: the charge nurses or the managers. I think my way is right and that’s all there is to it. My attitude reflects pride, anger and discontentment. Sound harsh? Again – lets call sin what sin is.
How does all of this reflect my theology? My mind was wondering while going through my tasks as a PCA, I began to think about the degree I may obtain (Lord willing) in the future. I may be granted to obtain 2 BAs and a MABC before I’m 27. And you know what thought followed that: VANITY. ALL IS VANITY. Why is this Vanity? Because my actions even now do not reflect the knowledge I currently have. There is a disconnect between my knowledge and my actions. In other words I am not living out my theology. Or am I?
The answer to the question is yes – I am indeed living out my theology. But there seems to be more of disconnect between my knowledge (known theology) and my heart. My heart it hard – I fear man more than I fear people. God says to honor and respect the authority placed over you (commanded to the men and women who were being KILLED for believing in God). God says to love others as MORE IMPORTANT than yourself. God says to honor Him and worship Him and glorify Him through everything we SAY and everything we DO! God says to avoid foolish talking and gossip. God says to TRUST HIM and BE CONENT where HE has you. God says not to complaign about things. God says that LOVE for others is the second greatest commandment, but LOVE FOR GOD is the greatest!
What does all this mean? – It means my theology has been plagued by sin, but my God is greater than all my sin. He can change me, help me honor Him, and be glorified by the process! Thank You Lord!
